Television Fan Has Unrealistic New Year’s Resolution

January 1, 2017 – (Sacramento, CA) by Emy Cee

On the last day of 2016, a college student told herself that she was going to try and watch television shows in a different way during the upcoming year. “I am going to try and not ship everyone immediately upon watching,” she declared confidently. Shipping characters of television shows is essentially pairing two characters up that one would hope would get into a relationship. This is a practice that has been going on since the beginning “Fandomology” or the history of fandom culture.

“I always have these expectations of my favorite ships, and keep getting disappointed when year after year, like, for example Supernatural’s Sam, Dean and Cas STILL aren’t riding more than just the Impala. So, get this… with new shows I’m just going to try and watch canon ships like Megstiel and maybe I’ll feel more satisfied after I’m finished.”

UPDATE: At 7:49pm on January 1, the resolution has already been broken. “Fuck it. I’ll watch shows how I want to watch it. And these ice-skating anime guys had me 2 minutes in.”

Good for you college student, you do you.

Love Trumps Hate

It is 2016. Who among us thought Mr. “You’re fired” Trump would be the American president? Probably 4% of nobody. In all of this horrifying silliness, a T-shirt company has come to attention to spread something we all need. LOVE. It doesn’t matter what religion, color, race, or species you are, love is something we all need. Is this a redundant post because you all know how much Kale loves Creation Stands? Sure. But we’re posting it anyways. Here is the link to the campaign.

2016’s Most Heated Debate Reaches the Oval Office

WASHINGTON, DC- On October 15, 2016 an intense debate continues in The White House. Over the past few months, America has been split in two, diverse issues setting the population into (mostly) two staunch camps of thought. However after the events that occurred on October 13, it is no surprise that the election has taken a backseat to what is surely the most tumultuous situation the First Family has faced in their 8 year run.

During the Season Premiere of Supernatural, actor Misha Collins tweeted this seemingly innocuous tweet.
What followed can only be described as absolute mayhem.
 “You know, in my 8 years in office- I don’t think I’ve felt this much of an internal conflict. On one hand… It’s unequivocally spelled ‘Cas,’ but do you argue with Mr. Collins? Castiel himself? Michelle and Malia quickly flip-flopped and got behind Misha. Was I disappointed? Yes. Sasha and I couldn’t believe how quickly they just… changed. I am holding out hope this was just a ruse for Misha to teach everyone a lesson. Maybe a political lesson. Because otherwise, I don’t know what to believe anymore.” said the President, looking forlorn.
“He stands in the mirror every night,” says Michelle, “and says, I’m the one who gripped America tight, and raised it from perdition. He has a Castiel pillow. Barack sees himself in Castiel- and that’s why we fell in love. This whole extra ‘S’ is beyond distressing. I can only hope that the presidential election will have some kind of fabricated drama that can distract us from Castiel’s name.”
We reached out to WikiLeaks, in the hope they could reveal some type of light on the truth. They replied with the following:
Fuck that. We are not getting involved with the Supernatural Fandom. Do you have any idea how intense those people are? We heard Robert Berens said it was, “Cas” but you did NOT hear that from us.
Late Oct. 14th, Misha Collins took to Facebook to live-stream about this dire situation. As of right now the spelling is now up in the air, with variations such as Ca$ and Khaz. What becomes clear, is Mr. Collins advocates for dialogue on this situation- with passion, respect, but with a modicum of civility and to keep talking about it- so we can come out united, and stronger than ever before.
Tweet us @thekaleonline And tell us what side of history you fall on. Cas or Cass. Choice wisely.

Music Review: Covers with Friends, Jason Manns

By: Caitlin Coughlin

Jason Manns’ Covers with Friends is the kind of love letter whose ink bleeds with fallen tears as the receiver clutches it to their bodice. You may think this is exaggerated hyperbole, but I assure you it is not.

I just returned from experiencing this album for the first time on a beautiful sunset walk up the solitary side of a mountain, a walk I often enjoy alone with my dogs and an entire favorite album. I tend to prefer albums that can be enjoyed as a single experience, sung along to beginning to end, played over and over perhaps while thinking about something else.

This is not that kind of album. This fragile, beautiful gift cannot be judged on its flawless technical merit, nor on the instrumentation, nor the gorgeous strains of the harmonies in all the stellar performances found here. Although they do a fantastic job on every front, it wouldn’t be fair to hold this up in a stack of other similar albums, were there such a thing, because half the people on this album are in no way professional singers.

The non-pro guests on this album are Jason’s friends and several beloved member of the Supernatural family who happen to have lovely singing voices, whom Jason has somehow managed to cajole, wheedle, and possibly beat at cards to manage to get them to come out and play.

These are all such intimate performances. The trust every person on this album is placing in us in sharing their voices with us, this soul-baring, terribly vulnerable thing, is a gift that takes my breath away.  Hearing these people I love so much, and to whom I am already so grateful, make this sparkling, crystalline thing for us – trusting us to be gentle with the souls they are revealing – well it fills my heart and my eyes until I have to stop in the middle of a meadow and sob for a moment, so grateful for this family.

Thank you Jason and friends.
May we be worthy of your trust.


Woman Who Sold Soul to Get Early Pumpkin Spice Lattes Says She Would Do It Again

CHICAGO- On Wednesday morning Tricia, a 32 year-old accountant made an overzealous decision to sell her soul in exchange for the early release of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Following through, Simon a Jr. Crossroads Demon gave her ten years and around 7PM Starbucks announced their new promotion, PSL Fan Pass, which allows members to receive early lattes.

“I knew I could make a deal that everyone could prosper from. Who doesn’t like Pumpkin Spice? I bathe in Pumpkin Spice, I eat Pumpkin Spice, I LIVE Pumpkin Spice! Do I regret it? Hell no! I mean in ten years I’ll be 42, which is practically 50, which is basically dead!” She giggled. “Nope. This is defiantly the best thing I’ve ever done and I would do it again in a heartbeat.”

Simon reported he was just happy to respond to a deal that didn’t involve Justin Bieber and his Instagram account, adding “I hate that little douche.”


Supernatural Fan Unable to Watch Horror Film without Micromanaging

CHICAGO- As the Halloween season draws near, new horror movies are starting to come out. Recently  Bradford, a Supernatural fan took a day off work to go see one of these films, and found himself unable to concentrate on the plot because he was so upset with the inefficiency the protagonists used to rid their house of spirits.

“It was CLEARLY a Vengeful spirit! These idiots spent the entire movie trying to film it! Sam and Dean would have taken care of this in ten minutes. Even AFTER they figured out WHO the spirit was they didn’t even look for the bones to salt and burn. Actually they never used salt ONCE for fucks sake. I could have gotten rid of 12 ghosts in the time I wasted watching this movie.” He fumed. “Look. The minute they started feeling cold spots and saw lights flickering I knew what was going on, but it took them half the movie to even start realizing it wasn’t rats or a broken air-conditioning.”

Bradford reported that like with all horror films he tries to watch, he spent the entire film muttering under his breath, and creating an intricate hunting plan. He plans to save his money next time, and just re-watch all 11 seasons of Supernatural.


26-Year-Old Adamantly Tells Friends She’s Going to Bed Early, Finds New Show to Binge Watch Until 4AM

SACRAMENTO, CA- A week ago Anna, a 26-year-old student announced around 8PM that she was tired and going to go to bed early. She made the following updates to her social media pages, “Going to bed early! I’m so tired. Night everyone,” and went to her room.

“I really don’t know what happened.” Reported Anna. “I was just looking for something to watch on Netflix to fall asleep to. I saw this show Supernatural was trending and I’ve never really seen it before. Like I always thought it was some kids show. Anyway so I turned it on and it was FIRE like right off the bat! Like literally fire. I really meant to go to bed, but I ended up just letting Netflix keep playing and casually ignoring what time it was. I know I should have stopped but… fuck.”

After watching nearly an entire season of Supernatural, as well as simultaneously researching the show on Tumblr, Anna has firmly decided she will continue ‘going to be early’ until she is all caught up on the eleven seasons she hasn’t seen, before the show starts back up again this October. We reached out for further comment on what season she is on now, but it was extremely clear by how she has labeled her Netflix usernames.