Every year thousands of fans of movies and television shows flock to conventions all over the globe with joy in their hearts and the excitement of seeing their favorite actors, writers, and directors up close and personal. Fans pay the price of what amounts to a third or fourth mortgage to sit and listen to their idols tell stories, answer questions, and sometimes troll their adoring audiences. Fans also have the option to sell their internal organs to afford a 3 second photo-OP, or a much longer 27 second meet and greet with the actors they secretly- (publically on Twitter)- label as their husbands, wives, children, and of course “Mom or Dad.” Attending a convention is a once in a life time opportunity however numerous studies have proven that .00831% of all Actors feel that their reputations, safety, and social media accounts have been negatively affected.
Recently, an extremely famous actor who any day now will confirm he is on the short list for ‘Deadpool 2’, found himself the victim of a scandal after stories of his innocent actions began surfacing all over social media. A large number of women of all walks of life, including minors, have come forward with personal accounts detailing the actor’s inappropriate behavior including but not limited to: stalking, harassment, unwanted sexual contact both verbal and physical, as well as cyberbullying. Mystified at these accusations the actor took to his own Twitter to reach out to fans in what can only be described as a rational and balanced manner.
“I didn’t even know women knew how to use computers, let alone the internet! It’s still a new idea to me” the actor said. “I mean, I saved a woman once from a burning car. I love women, no one can say I don’t really love women.” (The Kale extensively googled this car incident and was unfortunately unable to validate it.)
“I have done everything I possibly can to clear my name. There are just some people who dislike me because of how popular I am. You’ve seen Mean Girls right? That is what is happening to me. I even started an anti-bullying hashtag. That should really show how remorseful I am that people are lying about me. I am very exclusive about who I talk to in person and online, there is no way all of these people could have talked to me. I should also tell you I was hacked…” The actor commented sadly as he swiped right repeatedly on his Tinder account without properly looking at any of the profiles.
This incident has brought to light the real problem in the convention community. Female attendees. In an effort to protect fully grown men from the rabid female fan, one European convention has started implementing their own new rules in hopes they will eradicate the problem once and for all.
“The problem” the convention owner explains, “does not lie with the actors and how they act. The problem is how the attendees, specifically the women, present themselves around the guests. We had women who were wearing shorts last year, and that is just asking for it.” We asked for clarification. “Well, if a female is going to show both of their ankles, how are we as convention staff supposed to blame an actor for getting the wrong idea?”
Starting in 2016, for the first time at any convention a strict dress code will be mandatory and enforced. Female attendees will be required to wear dark colored floor length skirts, dark long-sleeve blouses that button up to the top of the chin, closed toed shoes with no heel, and a 16th century chastity belt. The convention says they do not want to take away the fan’s creativity to cosplay, so they are allowing women the option to wear their hair in either braids, or a low bun unless it is cut short, and then they may be allowed a dark colored bonnet.
“We think that just hiding the female form altogether is the obvious answer. We hope that all conventions will follow our lead that way all actors can feel safe knowing they won’t be tempted [by the women.] Recent events have showed how hysterical women can get.”
We asked the actor if these new rules would make him feel safe again, and he nodded enthusiastically, adding, “I don’t want this to happen to any actor ever again. I am a very forgiving person; I forgive all the women who spoke against me. [laughs] maybe they were all just on their periods, right?”
The Kale will be following this story and reporting on new developments as they arise. In the meantime, the women on this site will be writing from our rightful place- in the kitchen.