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Obituary Announcement: Azealia Banks’ Career

On May 12, 2016 the career of Azealia Banks was declared officially deceased. Banks was apparently an American rapper, but has most recently traded her musical fame for Twitter infamy. After months of sub-tweeting confusing and offensive messages, often up to 300 times in a 2-minute period Banks spent her final days of having a salvageable career spouting homophobic comments about Zayn Malik on Instagram. The official coroner of low-List celebrity careers released the time of death shortly after the Malik incident when Banks took her spiraling career one step further.

“If Azealia wanted to shade Malik, she could have simply targeted his over-use of the word ‘blessed.’ However, it is in my professional opinion that the career’s direct cause of death was Banks choosing to involve the Queen [Skai Jackson]” he told us. “She has apologized to Zayn, but there is no resuscitating her career at this point. The internet never forgets.”

Banks’ final mistake was, as a grown woman, going after 14 year-old actress Skai Jackson. Jackson held her own in a showdown that will go down in Twitter history as the Titanic VS The Iceberg, with Banks being the sinking ship that years from now people will sort of remember but not be 100% sure if it was real or just a really long movie plot.

“I am really excited because Skai’s career is going to become even brighter after this. And now that there is a career spot open for a C-level performer, maybe I don’t have to quit drag every other day!!!” said internet sensation BibleGirl.

The Kale is very excited for you too Bible, we love you. Remember us when you start posting tweets in a downward spiral at 5am, we will be here for you.

 

    

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