Earlier this month, on May 4, 2016 it was announced that God is indeed bisexual. This news sent shock-waves through the internet, but the only group to overact negatively was the always docile and responsible Westboro Baptist Church. The church is well known for protesting anything that it does not approve of including homosexuality, liberals, the troops, low-fat food options, and President Obama. We caught a new member of the church while she was busy preparing for the protest and asked her how she first found out about God’s sexuality.
“Well, I was watching the television and my remote control stopped working. I was already sitting on the couch and the TV was way over there [motions approximately four steps away]. I decided just to listen to what was on. There was some sort of documentary on about religion, they were talking about angels and demons and then… God appeared! At first I was shocked,” she told us as she painted a sign that reads “WE HATE GOD” in colors that resemble the inside of a 7-year-old Taco Bell burrito. “He was wearing a bathrobe and eating Chinese food out the box and I knew he really was God because like Genesis 1:27 says, “God created us in his image” and sure as Jesus was born right here in Topeka, Kansas I was also eatin’ Chinese food from the box!” This is where any admiration for God was to end for the Westboro Church.
“All of a sudden, it was just horrifying. He started talking about pornography on a laptop and then not only did he say he dated, but that he had boyfriends. Boyfriends. And then… he… played guitar. I knew that the world will soon end because only a Bernie Sanders supporting God would play guitar. I immediately informed our church’s leader on how to proceed.”
The Westboro Church have decided that they will reach out to Sarah Palin in order to find out where the door to Heaven is so they can hold their protest directly at the Pearly Gates. They hope to have a peaceful protest armed only with pepper-spray and military grade weaponry.
“We don’t want to hurt God we just want him to know that he is a sinner and that he will burn in hell.”
The protest is set to take place on June 6, 2016, which is the closest combination of numbers the group could come up with resembling 666. The Kale will not be attending the protest as we showed up wearing a rainbow shirt and have now been banned to hell along with God. Also because the Westboro Baptist Church is basing their outrage on a fictional television show called Supernatural. But that is neither here, nor there. The main reason is the shirt. The Kale will attempt to reach out to God and the mastermind behind God for comment.