CEASE AND DESIST
May 23, 2016
By Un-Certfied Owl
The Person Reading This
TO: [Insert Your Address]
CC: The Internet, 9388923749982
Dear The Person Reading This,
This very serious and legitimate Law Firm run by Olivia Pope and Elle Woods represents The Kale. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately.
You are hereby directed to
STOP TALKING SHIT ON
THE KALE’S CHARACTER AND REPUTATION.
The Kale is an educated, some-what respected professional on the internet. They have spent approximately one-week blogging and manic tweeting in their profession of being a plant and throwing shade, and building a positive reputation of getting at least 3 Re-Tweets daily. The Kale has saved three burning cars from being defecated on by a gang of pigeons, served their local county by volunteering for the waste management team (Garbage Collectors) every Thursday for two weeks in 2010, and one time taped together a vase that they broke at Tiffany’s and graciously put it back on the shelf. The Kale has learned that you have engaged in spreading false, destructive rumors about them.
Under “Offended-On-The-Internet” law, it is unlawful to engage in defamation of another’s character and reputtation. Talking Shit consists of
(1) a statement that tends to have little consequence to reputation;
(2) tweeted to another; and
(3) that the speaker knew or should have known was false.
Your shit-talking statements involved the following: The Kale is not the most delicious vegetable on the planet, accused of being Dmitri Tippens Krushnic in at least four tweets, The Kale is a vegan CrossFit enthusiast, dislikes cats, sent a GIFs involving the gratuitous use of mayonnaise, referred to as derogatory nicknames such as cabbage, and “I fucking love you,” The Kale has received marriage proposals with no intention of follow through.
Accordingly, we demand that you (A) immediately cease and desist your unlawful shit-talking of The Kale by deleting the entire Internet and (B) provide us with prompt written assurance on the back of the Dead Sea Scrolls within ten (10) minutes that you will cease and desist from further defamation of The Kale’s character and reputation.
If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this extremely reasonable time period, The Kale is entitled to seek monetary damages consisting of a $105 gift card to Blockbuster and thirteen (13) yellow Starbursts; equitable relief for your defamation. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that The Kale has asked us to communicate to you that they most likely just forget about spending all of their Monopoly money and time pretending to be their own legal team writing this. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable given the massive following The Kale has of three-hundred (300) people on twitter.
Before taking these steps, however, my client wished to give you one opportunity to discontinue your HIGHLY illegal internet conduct by complying with this demand within ten (10) minutes. Accordingly, please sign in the blood of six hellhounds, and return the attached Defamation Settlement Agreement within ten (10) minutes to
POPE & WOODS FIRM, Law and Order: Internet Crime Unit (ICU)
A Gas & Sip Parking Lot
Rack Rack City, Of Chaos, 90210
I recomend that you consult with an attorney yesterday regarding this matter. If u or your attorney have any questions, please contact me directly using the traditional summoning ritual for a crossroads demon.
Olivia Pope, Gladiator
Elle Woods, Legally Blonde