About one week ago, The Kale met up with a Network TV Executive to discuss why the anticipated show “Nancy Drew” was not picked up due to having too many female characters. In the interview he made several problematic statements about women characters on television, and was deeply upset by the negative reaction to the article printed. Having a full five days to completely change his mind about everything, he requested we run another piece, as a way to announce a brand new female drive spin-off he has created.
“Okay, first off, “he begins, as he makes a point of straightening out his shirt that has a picture of Lady Gaga from 2007 printed on it, “I want to apologize for offending anyone. I never knew women were more than just casual viewers of anything other than the home shopping networks! I mean with the Lifetime Channel I just assumed that was all they needed.”
Seven enormous sips later from whatever the brown colored mixture floating in the glass handed to him by his assistant was, (“Oh, have you met my new secretary? Let me introduce you. This is Fred. He’s gay, and a man, so now I can’t be accused of objectifying anyone!”) he continued.
“I found that it bothered me that people think I don’t want women represented on TV. So I decided I would sit down and create a brand new show based solely on a story told BY a female.” Adding, “It has two lead female characters,” in a tone that would suggest this is a revolutionary concept.
Wary but intrigued, we asked the inspiration behind this progressive show. Fred the assistant brought a new completely unnecessary tray of drinks, which we declined.
“Remember that show I told you about, where there are two brothers and they fight evil stuff? Well that whole show is mostly about male characters but it has an enormous following! It’s called “Naturally Super… or something.” to which Fred the assistant gave us the international “this is going to be a clusterfu*ck” look.
“Right” he nodded, “So I thought I could capitalize off of that show’s fandom and win them over with my genius idea. In my extensive research on Tumblr I learned that there was a convention held this past weekend and one of the stars actually brought his wife on stage. Can you imagine? He actually interrupted his panel just for his wife to tell a story about a train! I was shocked, but impressed. The fans just loved it. They treated her like she was also on the show or something.”
We strongly regretted not taking at least two drinks from the drink tray.
“So anyway, the story was about how a piece of silver luggage was separated from its train and left on the platform, and how all of the trains in Europe stopped just so the two could be reunited. There is nothing more touching than two travelers being separated and on a journey to find one another again. And how progressive and empowering if both of the travelers were female?”
We wanted to be sure that the two travelers in his scenario are-
“The Train and the Silver luggage! There has not been a really great story like this in such a long time. This will be 2016’s ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ but as a 12-episode Mini-Series! I’m going to call it ‘Wayward Travelers.’ Netflix is already interested.”
By the way Fred was struggling not to have a fireable outburst, we can only assume he too was wondering how a show about two inanimate objects would be helping TV’s female representation issue.
“The story itself was told by a woman. And we are making the gender of the Train and the luggage, female!” he mansplained expertly. He quickly added that the train and luggage were “dear friends” and not as we assumed, romantically involved, “because we want male viewers too and lesbians make everything uncomfortable. Unless they are in another sort of show, if you know what I mean [laughs]. We hope we can get the two lady cops from Naturally Super to voice The Train and the Luggage- Kimmie Roads and Rhianna Buckmaster. They even have a hashtag we can use, without the vulgar, un-lady-like swearing of course. Hashtag WaywardAsFriends.”
Having come up with this new show and declaring himself showrunner in a matter of days and a questionable amount of rational thought- it was unexpected that a show that has not been created yet already has a small fan base gathered from people who answered a Craigslist personal entitled Male, 48- Ready for a Good time? Must be discrete.”
One of the four fans spoke to us.
“I think it’s a great concept. It’s totally giving women what they want. I don’t want to brag but I know a lot of women and they would eat this up, it’s all girly and shit. Listening to a TV show pitch was not what I thought I was going to to be doing originally, but now I’m going to be a casting director. I even get to pick out my couch!”
The Kale can confirm that this spin-off show is in no way what any “Naturally Super” fan is expecting to see. One twitter user we asked responded with what is likely the overwhelming consensus- “What the actual fuck.”
We do not condone drinking irresponsibly. Officially, The Kale’s statement is not to open a bottle of wine and accidently lose the cork. Officially, The Kale cannot have an opinion about why it would not surprise us in the least that a show featuring a mode of transportation going on adventures with a suitcase probably has a chance of actually getting picked up on a Primetime station. Officially, The Kale does greatly look forward to Kimmie and Rhianna’s response to being shortlisted for what sound like the roles of a lifetime. We are positive they are going to be just as impressed as we are. We will save all the tequila in our possession for the next time our TV Executive has a fancy idea about a show and in the meantime, desperately hope he is not going to try and address any other representation issues. Ever.