It is July 19th, 2016. Jared Padalecki was supposedly born 34 years ago today. How could any singular human being be created with such compassion, intelligence, warmth, talent, passion, integrity, loyalty, and charisma? We used our inside sources in the scientific community to uncover the truth. Sitting down with the second night janitor in the X-Files unit of the FBI, we demanded an explanation.
“Robots. He’s a robot. Or an alien. Both? Have you seen his jawline? How is it that his hair literally never stops growing? It’s physically impossible for a grown man of six feet, 4 inches to also be as small as an actual puppy just by smiling. Did you SEE his face? Some people on Twitter say it’s actual sunshine. He is just not human.” As our source left to clean the bathrooms, he called out down the hall, “His wife is an actual Goddess you know. Just watch- those kids are going to grow up to save the world one day.”
So there you have it. 300% proof that Jared Padalecki is indeed a robot or maybe alien possibly both, and just to be safe… We will pretend none of this ever happened and will just instead, wish him a very happy (human) birthday.
Happy Birthday, Jarpad. Love you. #AKF
-Brassica O’Sabellica and The Kale Staff